It was 4 yrs ago this month that Alan and I had made the decision to move out to New Mexico. I remember walking around with that deer in the head light look. I was leaving my children, grandchildren, I had lived there for 18 yrs, working in the same place with lots of great friends.Deep inside New Mexico has always been my home it had won my heart long ago.
We wanted to enjoy the mountains that we always loved before we get to old to be able to do that, so we packed and went. That first winter was beautiful, they had more than normal snowfall, and we spent lots of time exploring the area knee deep in snow, we fought who was going to shovel the driveway first, we wondered at the fact that you could leave a bag of chips open for days and they still be crisp! We settled into our new jobs meeting new friends, and loved it.
I believe that somehow we know that our end is near and thank god for the last 3 1/2 years that we had our time together enjoying life here, we saw and did so much in the short time.
So now I'm facing the first winter alone without him, thinking about the fun we had playing in the snow, the annual Xmas tree hunt, the fun with the Jeep in the snow! I miss him so much, I love him with all my heart and now I have this empty hole. It hurts and I know people who say "he will always be there" Bullshit! He's not here, I can't hold him! I lost my best friend and lover and after 20 yrs we were still in love! I lost me, after your mate dies I believe you have to dig deep into yourself and pull out that other person that has always exsisted but have been hidden . Oh I know I will make it through this and somehow I'm able to push back the pain and have fun! So for this winter I have equipped myself with a new down jacket, snow boots etc and plan to get allot of use of my winch, the annual Xmas tree hunt will go on as before!
Thank god for some very good friends!
We wanted to enjoy the mountains that we always loved before we get to old to be able to do that, so we packed and went. That first winter was beautiful, they had more than normal snowfall, and we spent lots of time exploring the area knee deep in snow, we fought who was going to shovel the driveway first, we wondered at the fact that you could leave a bag of chips open for days and they still be crisp! We settled into our new jobs meeting new friends, and loved it.
I believe that somehow we know that our end is near and thank god for the last 3 1/2 years that we had our time together enjoying life here, we saw and did so much in the short time.
So now I'm facing the first winter alone without him, thinking about the fun we had playing in the snow, the annual Xmas tree hunt, the fun with the Jeep in the snow! I miss him so much, I love him with all my heart and now I have this empty hole. It hurts and I know people who say "he will always be there" Bullshit! He's not here, I can't hold him! I lost my best friend and lover and after 20 yrs we were still in love! I lost me, after your mate dies I believe you have to dig deep into yourself and pull out that other person that has always exsisted but have been hidden . Oh I know I will make it through this and somehow I'm able to push back the pain and have fun! So for this winter I have equipped myself with a new down jacket, snow boots etc and plan to get allot of use of my winch, the annual Xmas tree hunt will go on as before!
Thank god for some very good friends!
Very beautifully written, Sister mine. Sorry it has taken me some time to even be able to read this. Hard to read through tears.
ReplyDeleteI too have my new winter jacket. Tally ho! I am so glad you are in New Mexico with me.
I am sad for you. There are no words that anyone can say to make it better.
ReplyDelete